Cry it out? Really?!

I'm still baffled by our "good ole American values." Or at least the so-called values when it comes to sleep training babies. After I just read this blog post (http://mollymesnick.com/2012/02/trista-sutter-the-best-piece-of-advice-i-ever-received/) I had to post my own thoughts on the matter.

Before I was a parent, and just a child care giver or babysitter at times, I thought the American parent rite of passage of sitting outside your baby's room letting them "train" themselves how to sleep by "crying it out" for hours/days so we could ALL sleep better eventually, was a great idea. Makes sense. Let them figure it out and soon they'll just put themselves to sleep. What could be wrong about that?

There was no way I was going to sleep with my child. She has her own crib. I have my own bed. We have a monitor, right?

Well, after my daughter was born all that changed. I really thought about what my behavior was reinforcing her to believe about me. Long before she could understand my loving explaining words.

It all started with responding to her cries, immediately. No hesitation. Her language as a baby was using her cry. That's how she communicated. So I started to really listen. Anytime she made a peep, I responded. I soon learned her different cries...one for being wet, one for hunger, and one for good old sleepiness. And then I realized, she started to cry less. That first month was a night-time cry-fest. For all of us. But after a few weeks she didn't cry but only a few seconds when she was trying to communicate to me.

That communication transitioned to sign language around a year old. I cannot explain how invaluable sign language was to us. She hardly ever felt the need to cry after learning some signs. But that's a story for a different day.

Back to my initial story...
Sleep.

When she was first born she slept in a co-sleeper next to me in bed. I quickly realized there was no way I was going to put her in a crib. If she was in a crib across the hall, how could I respond to her immediately when she cried and reinforce to her that I am here to take care of her and her needs? After all, it was the cries I wanted to limit. I only wanted her to have to cry to let me know something. Not cry because she didn't know if I was there to help her.

After a few months in the co-sleeper (which was right next to me) and being quickly picked up and nursed through the night, but put back cozily next to me again for us all to sleep soundly, Chayse got big enough for me to lay down next her in our bed and nurse her. That was amazingly easy and we all slept well after that change. There's nothing easier than not having to wake up to nurse. She took care of her own needs through the night.

Well, then she grew. And grew. By time she was 18 months old or so, she was quite the active sleeper. Which meant we weren't sleeping. So we finally put a mattress on the floor, in her own room. I thought it would be easier for me to lay with her and nurse her to sleep in her new own bed and leave her room than for me to take her to her room from our ours. And that was true. She would sleep 6-8 hours with no waking. Then when she awoke she'd climb into our bed and we'd all mostly sleep the rest of the early morning. It worked fine.

But the continuous lesson I learned was that she was comfortable and confident with the fact that I would always be there for her. She was learning security. She was learning attachment.

The long of the short of it is that yes, we still struggle with the fact that she doesn't sleep through the night. But I don't think I've ever slept through the night either. And when I was a baby I slept in a crib.

My dilemma with "crying it out" is that I'm not convinced they "teach" themselves how to sleep. Couldn't it be that they stop crying and fall asleep on their own because their parent reinforced that if they cry and are sad or lonely that their parent won't be there to comfort them. That from birth or early babyhood parents who embark on the "cry it out" method are somehow teaching their child that they are on their own? It's sad to me.

Americans are some of the few who embrace "crying it out" and deprive themselves of a family bed. We are in the slim minority who have cribs. We are in the slim minority that bottle feed our babies in a large majority. Just because we're Americans and we think we know best , doesn't mean we do. Look at our younger generations....we're reaping the rewards of teaching our children from birth that they can't count on their "caregivers."

I'm just saying....maybe "crying it out" may not be what's best for all of us. Plus, those who do the "cry it out " method don't know what they're missing. I wouldn't trade the snuggle time or sleep time I've had with my daughter for anything. Not even for a few more hours of sleep. She will not be slipping into bed with us for ever. But I hope for as long as she needs and wants to. Every day, month, year, she is growing older and needing us less and less. I'm choosing to savor our cuddle moments as long as we have them...soon I'll be that mom dropping her off at school, capturing a quick kiss in the car, so as to spare her the embarrassment that all tweens dread.

And no, I don't sleep as well as I wish I could. But that's part of being a parent. Aren't we supposed to sacrifice in some ways in order to make sure our child's needs are taken care of? Isn't being a parent teaching children the lessons they can't learn from others? Like security, healthy attachment, and comfort? I think so. And I'm sure I still won't sleep well when she's a teenager either....and not because she'll be crawling into my bed.

Whose to say that we all have to sleep as babies for 8-12 uninterrupted hours of sleep? Breast milk alone proves the fact that our bodies were not meant to sleep like that from birth. A child who is breast fed sleeps for 2-5 hour stints at a time. Waking when hungry.

So when it comes to "sleep training" I'm fairly certain it's not teaching our children what we think it is. Sure they may be able to fall asleep and stay asleep for a night, and therefore so will their parents. But at what cost?

I know someday I'll sleep as well as I can. Whatever that is. But for now I'm confident in the fact that I'm showing my child that she can always count on me. Always. And I'm crossing my fingers and toes that pays off for me in the tween and teen years...