The Blog of Hope

The Good and The Bad

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 18:34:00 +0000

The last few weeks have been full of ups and downs in terms of parenting. Any of you have a six year old pushing your limits? I do.

I have to say, I love being a parent. I love teaching my daughter all about life, being part of a community, and how to be the best that she can be.

For instance, last weekend we helped out in her school's community project of building a sustainable edible garden in the school's courtyard. An excellent opportunity to teach her about where food comes from, and how to provide food for the community in a sustainable way.

She got down and dirty with us, planted some blueberries, ferns, and was really involved the whole morning.

All in all I'd consider it a successful learning and parenting experience. A great weekend.

Then Monday comes. And from the moment she wakes, she drags her feet and has to be literally pushed to get dressed, brush her teeth and eat her breakfast. I lose it and yell. Push the repeat button and keep yelling to get her moving. Until finally we're out the door. I kiss and hug her goodbye at school and leave Princess Grumpiness to the teachers for the next six hours.

Then I sigh. And go about my day. Talking to myself about what I can do differently. Be a better parent, yada, yada, yada.

This is not just what our Monday morning consists of, but EVERY morning. I ask my self more than many times a day if this is just what being six is about.

Then when I pick her up from school, I see her teacher and she waves me over to talk. UGH. I hate being waved over to talk to her teacher. It's happened more than a handful of times lately.

What did she do at school now?!

Seems I'm not the only one she's pushing it with. OK, what's going on? Where did my sweet little girl go? And how the HELL am I going to make it TO the teen years, let alone THROUGH them?

She's so smart. I know that. She's empathetic with others. She's sweet. But she's also lying these days. She's being lazy. She's distracted and not focused.

Any ideas of what a mom (and dad) can do to reinvigorate a six year old to do her best work and stay focused enough to be a little more independent? AND to curb the story-telling/lying?

Any and all ideas welcome. Not sure they'll work, and not sure they'll fit with our parenting philosophy, but I'd love to hear them. We're a family that talks, so keep that in mind.

I'm tired of yelling. And I'm tired of being disappointed.
Just tired I guess.

Cry it out? Really?!

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 18:46:00 +0000

I'm still baffled by our "good ole American values." Or at least the so-called values when it comes to sleep training babies. After I just read this blog post (http://mollymesnick.com/2012/02/trista-sutter-the-best-piece-of-advice-i-ever-received/) I had to post my own thoughts on the matter.

Before I was a parent, and just a child care giver or babysitter at times, I thought the American parent rite of passage of sitting outside your baby's room letting them "train" themselves how to sleep by "crying it out" for hours/days so we could ALL sleep better eventually, was a great idea. Makes sense. Let them figure it out and soon they'll just put themselves to sleep. What could be wrong about that?

There was no way I was going to sleep with my child. She has her own crib. I have my own bed. We have a monitor, right?

Well, after my daughter was born all that changed. I really thought about what my behavior was reinforcing her to believe about me. Long before she could understand my loving explaining words.

It all started with responding to her cries, immediately. No hesitation. Her language as a baby was using her cry. That's how she communicated. So I started to really listen. Anytime she made a peep, I responded. I soon learned her different cries...one for being wet, one for hunger, and one for good old sleepiness. And then I realized, she started to cry less. That first month was a night-time cry-fest. For all of us. But after a few weeks she didn't cry but only a few seconds when she was trying to communicate to me.

That communication transitioned to sign language around a year old. I cannot explain how invaluable sign language was to us. She hardly ever felt the need to cry after learning some signs. But that's a story for a different day.

Back to my initial story...
Sleep.

When she was first born she slept in a co-sleeper next to me in bed. I quickly realized there was no way I was going to put her in a crib. If she was in a crib across the hall, how could I respond to her immediately when she cried and reinforce to her that I am here to take care of her and her needs? After all, it was the cries I wanted to limit. I only wanted her to have to cry to let me know something. Not cry because she didn't know if I was there to help her.

After a few months in the co-sleeper (which was right next to me) and being quickly picked up and nursed through the night, but put back cozily next to me again for us all to sleep soundly, Chayse got big enough for me to lay down next her in our bed and nurse her. That was amazingly easy and we all slept well after that change. There's nothing easier than not having to wake up to nurse. She took care of her own needs through the night.

Well, then she grew. And grew. By time she was 18 months old or so, she was quite the active sleeper. Which meant we weren't sleeping. So we finally put a mattress on the floor, in her own room. I thought it would be easier for me to lay with her and nurse her to sleep in her new own bed and leave her room than for me to take her to her room from our ours. And that was true. She would sleep 6-8 hours with no waking. Then when she awoke she'd climb into our bed and we'd all mostly sleep the rest of the early morning. It worked fine.

But the continuous lesson I learned was that she was comfortable and confident with the fact that I would always be there for her. She was learning security. She was learning attachment.

The long of the short of it is that yes, we still struggle with the fact that she doesn't sleep through the night. But I don't think I've ever slept through the night either. And when I was a baby I slept in a crib.

My dilemma with "crying it out" is that I'm not convinced they "teach" themselves how to sleep. Couldn't it be that they stop crying and fall asleep on their own because their parent reinforced that if they cry and are sad or lonely that their parent won't be there to comfort them. That from birth or early babyhood parents who embark on the "cry it out" method are somehow teaching their child that they are on their own? It's sad to me.

Americans are some of the few who embrace "crying it out" and deprive themselves of a family bed. We are in the slim minority who have cribs. We are in the slim minority that bottle feed our babies in a large majority. Just because we're Americans and we think we know best , doesn't mean we do. Look at our younger generations....we're reaping the rewards of teaching our children from birth that they can't count on their "caregivers."

I'm just saying....maybe "crying it out" may not be what's best for all of us. Plus, those who do the "cry it out " method don't know what they're missing. I wouldn't trade the snuggle time or sleep time I've had with my daughter for anything. Not even for a few more hours of sleep. She will not be slipping into bed with us for ever. But I hope for as long as she needs and wants to. Every day, month, year, she is growing older and needing us less and less. I'm choosing to savor our cuddle moments as long as we have them...soon I'll be that mom dropping her off at school, capturing a quick kiss in the car, so as to spare her the embarrassment that all tweens dread.

And no, I don't sleep as well as I wish I could. But that's part of being a parent. Aren't we supposed to sacrifice in some ways in order to make sure our child's needs are taken care of? Isn't being a parent teaching children the lessons they can't learn from others? Like security, healthy attachment, and comfort? I think so. And I'm sure I still won't sleep well when she's a teenager either....and not because she'll be crawling into my bed.

Whose to say that we all have to sleep as babies for 8-12 uninterrupted hours of sleep? Breast milk alone proves the fact that our bodies were not meant to sleep like that from birth. A child who is breast fed sleeps for 2-5 hour stints at a time. Waking when hungry.

So when it comes to "sleep training" I'm fairly certain it's not teaching our children what we think it is. Sure they may be able to fall asleep and stay asleep for a night, and therefore so will their parents. But at what cost?

I know someday I'll sleep as well as I can. Whatever that is. But for now I'm confident in the fact that I'm showing my child that she can always count on me. Always. And I'm crossing my fingers and toes that pays off for me in the tween and teen years...

A little BIG word...how?

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 19:27:00 +0000

Wow, it's been a long time since I exercised the writing side of my brain. It's been a long time since I've exercised, period. I guess being a mom/ designer/child-care provider/homemaker/parent volunteer is keeping me busy. Not a shocker to those of you who also have more than one or two titles behind their name.

So what brings me to post today... other than I actually have more than a few free moments on this gray day to sit and contemplate my navel. Well, I guess what's on my mind is a little big word-- How?

Yep, how? Not original, I know. But it is a little word that brings up big topics. Such as--
How can I find the time to clean my house?
How can I find the time to process the remaining 40 lbs of apples in my garage?
How can I find the time to change the sheets?
How can I find the time to do the piles of laundry piling up?
How can I find the time to finish that sewing project I started more than a year ago?
How can I find the time to keep my creative juices flowing?
How can I find the time to exercise regularly?
How do I keep my daughter motivated to do her "jobs"?
How do I do I all need to do and still find time to play with my daughter?
How do I find new clients?
How do I find the time to finish the web training for the school district so I can actually update the school's web site that I promised to do 3+ months ago?
How do I find another dairy to deliver glass bottled milk in our area since the dairy we were ordering from stopped delivering?
How do I find the time to finish my book?
How do I find the time to update my Gluten-Free Guide with all the new GF recipes I've compiled or created?
OH, the "hows" just keep filling my brain. How, do I make it stop?

Well, I guess I don't. Right? Isn't this what it means to be a productive person? I could spend every "down" moment I have (maybe at most 5-10 on most days) being a lump on the couch like I did today. But really, all that did to me today was make me feel lazy and overwhelmed. Hence, the "how" question list above started to fill my brain.

But all this contemplating makes me wonder what I could do differently to feel more accomplished each day. I know the "to do" list will always be long and every growing. That's not really the problem. I love that I have things I need to do and things I want to do. What I don't particularly like these days is that I don't feel like I'm finishing anything.

Not a new problem for me, really. When I worked a traditional job in a traditional bureaucratic office, I found I always had an unfinished ever-growing to do list. But at least I could leave it a that bureaucratic office when I left it for the day.

Now that list is ever-present and full of empty check-boxes.

Hmmm... I don't think I have an answer today. But it feels good to not just contemplate it but put it out into the ether for comment. I know I'm not alone on this one. Any good ideas out there?

Well, now that that is off my chest, my 10 free minutes are up for the day. Off to pick up a kiddo from preschool.

No complaints...really. REALLY, no complaints. I'm much too busy to complain =)

Living off the earth

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 19:10:00 +0000

This time of year makes me happy. I am renewed by cultivating, harvesting, and celebrating all things green and fresh.

A few years ago I spent a weekend sawing, nailing and building five garden boxes. We dug up some grass, made some room for the boxes, and so the gardening experience blossomed.

Over the next five years or so we expanded or garden to pretty much utilize our entire backyard garden bed area as home for our fruits and vegetables every spring, summer, and fall. And I added one more box on our wasted ex-garage cement "driveway". And I can't forget to mention that we also incorporated many pots on our gravel walkway and a-for-mentioned "driveway" for tomatoes and herbs.

Our backyard is not large. Maybe the size of a nice size living or great room. But it's enough space to grow a nice variety of tasty, crisp, fresh greens and fruits.

So far this late-to-be-summer season we're harvesting peas, peas, and more peas, kale, lettuces, chard and will soon be eating fresh sweet carrots.

It takes some work, but not too much. I enjoy watering every morning. Walking around with my homemade organic "pest" tea made from garlic, pepper and mint, and spraying to deter the garden of nasty bounty-eating creatures like aphids. Pulling an invasive weed here and there. Fertilizing (organically of course) every once in awhile. Just enough work, I'd say.

Why do I do this? Yes, we love the fresh fruits and veggies. Yes, I do love watching plants grow and flourish. Yes, the garden adds beauty to our yard. Yes, I enjoy the time I have to myself. Yes, I love teaching and sharing nature with Chayse. Yes, I love knowing where our food comes from. And yes, I have bought into sustainable practices.

Why do we have space around our homes full of grass? Or full of weeds? Or full of plants that don't produce fruit? I love flowers, I love space to play. But why do we not grow more of our own food? I'm so tired of mass production farming. It just doesn't make any sense to me.

What happened to home gardens?

Over the years I've heard people discuss and argue about the reasons why our country is becoming obese and unhealthy. Yes there are many reasons for it. We've become sedentary. We eat fast food. We eat processed, chemically laced food. And there are many, many, many more reasons.

But I think many of the reasons can be boiled down to the fact that we no longer work for and appreciate food and where it comes from.

I know when my mom was a child her dad had a huge garden. Kids crossed farms to go to school. Families worked on farms. Gardening and farming was an essential part of society. They did the hard work and reaped the benefit: active people, fresh vitamin-rich foods, and knowledge of where their food came from.

Some of my generation still grew up doing Upick as a fun summer activity. Some families still had their hands in the soil.

And then somewhere along the way in the last 50 years farming became industrialized and mass produced. Pesticides became an accepted part of the process and every day people stopped having their hands in their food production chain. As a result people stopped knowing where food comes from. Today food comes from the grocery store or fast food chains. It's frozen, processed, rarely fresh.

Today many kids (and sadly MANY adults) don't even know the names of common fruits and vegetables. Let alone the fact that they don't eat them. If you don't know or care about where your food comes from or what it is, you eat fake food. Our bodies need real food to be healthy.

I can rant about this forever. But I won't. I'll just say this:

Plant one tomato plant. Plant some blueberries in your yard. A single strawberry plant. Plant a small garden. Cultivate it. Give it a little care in the form of water and compost. Then one morning when you walk out, coffee cup in hand, and you see that ripe red tomato or that sweet strawberry, pick it. Eat it. Appreciate it. Nothing is sweeter than fruit or veggies that you grow with your own hands. In your own soil. Savor that moment. And I bet you'll want more of them.

And soon you'll find you want to know where your food comes from. You'll start finding ways to know more. You'll explore farmers markets and ways to expand your little garden. You'll go to UPick farms and discover the sweetest peaches and apples you've ever eaten.

Share the experience with your kids, get their hands in the dirt. Involve them in their food chain process. Take them a Upick blueberry farm, let them engorge themselves on the UPick berries and green beans, and your kids will eat their fruits and veggies!

And I bet you'll discover that cultivating and living off the earth is how we're meant to eat. Put down the frozen foods. Drive by the drive-thrus. And stop at the farm stand instead.

The healthiest and best tasting salad you'll ever eat is the one you have by taking your favorite big salad bowl for walk, and filling it in your own back yard.

A roaring five

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Wed, 11 May 2011 21:58:00 +0000

I know it doesn't get easier. It just changes. Or so that's what I've heard.

Five. It's a small number. But it roars loudly. And the roar is overflowing with drama.

I love being a mom. And I love my daughter more than life itself. But there are days when I don't think I can expose my exploding head to any more drama. Let me repeat that...Any More. I am filled with frustration and as they say, I have a "bad mommy day" from time to time.

How many times do I have to say "nope", "in 5 minutes", "I'm working on it", "brush your teeth", "get your shoes on", "get dressed", "I need you to listen", before it hits that amazing brain of hers? Most days I swear I'm no more than a broken record. A broken record that needs a bit of soothing glue to be put back together.

And the screaming?! How can such a sweet girl be reduced to yelling and screaming or stomping in a short second all because she does, or doesn't, want to do something. Oh, the drama.

Five, who knew it could be so loud?

I think because I was one of those little girls that quietly hid behind my mom's pant leg, hoping to hell no one would talk to me, I now have a hard time dealing with all the drama.

But I know I had my moments....

I recall when I was 10ish or so I had a not so pretty moment at my doctor's office. I had newly pierced ears that didn't heal so nicely. One morning I woke up to find my shiny little stud earring had actually popped into my infected lobe. After a morning of painfully trying to get it out of my lobe, and I'm sure after my mom had heard enough screaming, she took me to my long-time pediatrician for professional removal of the nasty sucker.

I really can't remember much from that appointment. My foggy memories consist of only a few things. Me screaming bloody murder. Screaming A LOT. The doctor trying his best to keep me still. And after a moment of his professional care, him saying, "that wasn't too bad was it." I don't even think a second passed before I abruptly stopped the screaming and replied, "when can I get my ear pierced again?" That was met with laughter. My poor doctor...and my sweet mom...Oh, how I feel their pain now.

Drama. I've always been an avid supporter of the arts. And I think I've been a closeted set designer or stage hand. But I never knew drama would consume my days all because of one little, sweet, five.

One day, after I'm sure many full of dramatic moments, we brilliantly came up with a plan to try and contain the drama but not squash it. We enrolled our little five in a real dramatic acting class. I don't think she looks more forward to anything in her week now than Monday afternoon acting class. Which I have to say makes my heart sing.

She doesn't walk to class, she runs. And when I leave her at the door, I know she is going to have two of the best hours of her week. Now that's drama I gleefully am proud of and support.

While those two hours don't contain all of the drama of the week, at least it's now some drama that has rhyme and reason. And I'm hoping it balances out the unpleasant roaring that fills much of the rest of the week.

It must sound like our house is chaotic and loud. It's not. It's just that when there are those moments...it can be overwhelming.

But I have to say, since we've created the opportunity for my little drama queen to transform herself into a thespian, the roaring seems to be becoming a bit more tame. At least that's what my hope-filled mommy-can-do outlook is telling the frustrated, exhausted, and at-the-end-of-her-rope not so happy mommy.

Every time I hear her singing or see her acting out some story she's made up, I know the drama in her exists for a reason.

Maybe six will be easier?

Finally...my gluten-free guide is UP!

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 23:30:00 +0000

Months and months ago now, my dear husband and I were talking about how some families he works with were having a hard time figuring out how to live gluten-free. It seemed like all they really needed was a quick guide to all the basic baked goods. Where to find them, how to make them.

SO, being that I'm semi-gluten-free and I love to bake, AND eat, I thought I'd put together a guide. Then I mentioned the guide on Facebook and other friends wanted it too.

Hmm... now the pressure was on. So over the last six months or so, in all my spare time =), I started typing and compiling all our favorite GF recipes.

This week I finally put it all together, gave it a little design help (I do this for a living so I might as well pretty up MY projects while I'm at it).

I'm sure I'll add to it as I come up with new GF tasty treats, but I thought I'd post this first draft.

Here it is...Enjoy your GF muffins!

You Can Be Gluten-Free & Eat a Muffin Too

Time to get back on the....

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 22:03:00 +0000

One of my goals for 2010 was to write. Write for pleasure, sanity, an escape, and possibly write to entertain or inform others. Maybe even tackle my life-long goal of writing a children's book. I wanted to write weekly, if not daily.

I find that when I write I actually feel healthier. I feel like my brain did some sit-ups and took a nice brisk walk through the park. Guess my fingers need a work-out as much as my body does.

Well, I've fallen short of my goal this year. Oh, well, as "they" say, time to get back on the... keyboard.

For some reason when our dog, Sage, passed earlier this summer, I found myself not wanting to think. Not wanting to write. Not wanting to exercise.

Relentlessly time moved forward whether I wanted it to or not. I filled my days with work, kids, laundry, and more laundry. There is always something to fill my day. I seemed to need the distraction from my quiet and private mourning.

Rediscovering interests and discovering new interests is always a good distraction. And a benefit to filling your days with distractions is gaining a sense of accomplishment. I needed to feel accomplished.

Distraction #1: I lugged out the old, emphasis on OLD, sewing machine. Made a lovely sundress for my daughter from Opa's recycled dress shirts. Mended up some much loved pjs and sweats. Made curtains...10+ years in the making...for our mudroom. No more alleyway peeks into the Red's house allowed. Dusting off the sewing machine was fun in a methodical and mechanical way. It's amazing how your brain retains information you don't use in years, but let's go of what you ate for breakfast the previous day.

Distraction #2: Gluten-free baking is a new and fun challenge. I've made some delicious GF desserts, biscuits, muffins, cookies and pancakes. I've even started putting together a GF resource guide for families with gluten issues. Maybe a new blog on the way? I keep thinking that may be fun to do...but I can't even keep this one going. OH, good intentions...they sure have a way of filling up my days.

Distraction #3: We filled up our freezer and pantry this summer. U-pick is a fun Red family event all summer long. Farm fresh produce tastes better than the veggies and fruit you buy in the market. Maybe it's all in our heads, but I think picking it with your dirt covered paws makes it all the more delectable. We picked flat after flat of goodies that I canned or blanched and froze. If you find yourself running low on green beans, spinach, cauliflower, broccoli, corn, beets, peaches, pears, applesauce or pickles, we have you covered.

Latest Distraction: Every mom and dad asks their child this time of year, "What do you want to be for Halloween this year?" Many hear, "a princess", "a fireman", "a fairy" or maybe even the good 'ole standard, "a ghost!" But I bet many don't hear what we heard this year (months ago and she's sticking to it).... "a tube of Tom's toothpaste, mommy!"

Yep, toothpaste. Challenge, accepted. A trip to Michael's, some good old-fashioned brainstorming, and a few sick-days put to good use later, and a Tom's Silly Strawberry Toothpaste tube was born.

So while I was quietly consumed with grief this summer and early fall, at least I put my internalized grief to productive good use.

I still think it's odd that I mourned so intensely for my sweet Sagey. But she was one of my closest confidants. OK, so maybe it's not odd after all.

The mourning continues, albeit a little less intensely, but I think I'm able to let my fingers and mind exercise again. Hence, finally, a blog post.

goodbye

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 22:12:00 +0000

Saying goodbye to loved ones is never very easy. And saying goodbye to our furry family members is excruciatingly painful. Or least it is for me.

I had never had to make THE decision to put a sick and dying pet out of their misery. But in the last six weeks, along with my loving husband and daughter, I had to make that decision. Twice.

Our beloved Sage (aka Pookie, Sagey, Sagey-poo, and countless other nicknames) suddenly fell ill with stomach cancer in mid-June. She was a very young and healthy 10, aside from the cancer. I hate surprises in every day life. And let me say this surprise was devastating.

So devastating that it took me what seems like forever to actually sit down and write the blog entry.

I can't even explain to people who don't know me how much I loved my Sage. She truly was a child of mine, whether I birthed her or not. And I love animals. I've had many over the years. Sage was unique. I will never be able to replace her. And I don't think I'll even try.

Prior to Sage getting sick and passing on (to be in heaven with Grandma as Chayse says), our mischievous little Leo, 13, was diagnosed with lymphoma. We had been treating him with some meds just to help him feel better and give us a little more time to say goodbye. He lived months more than we thought he would. So we showered him with love. That's all we could do.

But this last weekend while I was away, my husband and Chayse had to take Leo to the vet for the final time. He just was in too much pain and we had to make that decision to let go.

Goodbyes suck. But at least we know our sweet Sagey and Leo had a great life and we are better for knowing and loving them.

They will be greatly missed, but remembered daily.

Feeling brainless

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 06:50:00 +0000

Blogging and responding to e-mails should not be an allowable action when your brain or your body is compromised. A warning signal should sound. Where's that new app Mr. Jobs? Maybe a "Kick in the head" app? I'll buy an i-whatever when that app hits stores.

I enjoy writing. I use it as a creative and emotional outlet. Can you tell? But why do I choose to write and PUBLISH it to the world at a time when I'm hacking up a lung or way past my bedtime.

Such as now. Right now it's 11:53 pm. Why on earth am I still on this computer? Maybe because this is when the house is actually quiet and still. Supposedly that's when my brain should be able to work it's best. Supposedly.

That brings me to an important question for all you bloggers out there. HOW to do you publish as much as you do?

You must have to write and publish at all hours of the day and night. Some blogging friends post daily if not more. And they are coherent, clever and well-thought out blogs.

How do you do that? I always have great intentions of writing something profound and interesting. But I can only do that every so often. Like, um, maybe a few times a year. Sadly, you already know that.

And when I think I'm being clever and profound, I have been known to be unintentionally less thoughtful than I thought and at times insensitive.

So, maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the one mommy/wife/diabetic/BNL-loving/progressive/buy local/eat organic who is only clever and interesting when I'm the most prone to eat the whole shoe store. That's a mouthful.

Next time I get the itch to blog, maybe I'll try to postpone it until morning. Or when the hacking stops and my health returns. Or at the very least when my brain isn't hurting.

Or, maybe not. Sorry for that.

Maintaining my youth, Ladies style

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 19:07:00 +0000

Who doesn't need a past-time where you can dance around, sing, laugh and smile from ear to ear?

Well I certainly do. More than 12 years ago Eric and I discovered what we soon realized was going to be our youth-saving passion. Yep, Barenaked Ladies. At first we were just new "Stunt" fans. We bought most of BNL's older records and listened almost exclusively to them for months. Then we were lucky enough to go to a few local shows... and as they say, the rest was history.

Seeing BNL live made us "groupies". We loved the high we felt singing and dancing with fellow BNL fans and the band. For a few hours at each show we recaptured the giddy high of our youth. What better way to spend a few hours whenever we had the chance?

So we used that rationale, took it a bit further, and as we made more money over the next 7-8 years or so, we saw more shows. And not just local shows. We went up to British Columbia. Even drove 4-5 hours on a snow-covered BC highway while I was 8 months pregnant to go to our last kid-free show. Flew to Toronto to meet a new BNL friend for a few hometown holiday shows. And of course drove all over the west to see the Ladies whenever we could. All in all between 1998-2007 I think we saw 22 BNL shows. Not by any means the most BNL shows seen by other BNL fans, but in my book I think we were pretty lucky.

I even met one my closest and dearest friends at a BNL show. "The Ladies, not just making Great music, but acquainting Great Friends." Yup, take notice BNL management, I should do your branding!

Then February 2009 came. And I was the fortunate one in our family to be able to swing going on a week long cruise with the Ladies and a boat load of crazy fans just like us. What an experience! One I will never forget. And one I'd love to repeat over, and over, and over again. Talk about rediscovering your youth. I felt like I was a kid in the candy store listening to countless talented musicians day in and day out (Mike Evin, Great Big Sea, Brian Macmillian, Thin Buckle, Odds, Butterfly Boucher, and Brothers Creeggan just to name ONLY a few.) Let alone having the opportunity to hear and see the Ladies just about every day I was on the ship. Talk about a Natural High.

Well the rest of 2009 sucked for BNL and us fans. Thank God for 2010. As they say, "All in Good Time".

Now I think the Ladies are stronger musically and emotionally than ever before. They seem to be having more fun than they've had in awhile, and they are touring all over North America and Great Britain, even making a few stops in my neck of the woods. And to top off the tour for my new favorite album, they've announced that, yes, the Ladies are sailing again with all of us fans in February 2011.

When I read the announcement in the fan club email, I was elated and then an overwhelming feeling of depression hit me. We most likely won't be on that ship sailing into musical heaven in February.

One of the drawbacks of getting older, having more responsibilities, and less cash flow as a result, is we can't always make the very important youth-maintaining activities happen anymore.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my life. I love that I get to spend seven days a week with my precious four year old daughter that we were so blessed to be given after eight years of disappointment and heartache.

I love that I don't have to get up every morning at 5:30, walk around like a zombie getting ready to head off to the office. I love that I spend most days enjoying family and life.

I love that my previous life of working and learning at an institution led me down the road of graphic design. A profession I can now do at home on a part-time basis. But, yes, it comes with a very part-time paycheck.

I just wish that I didn't feel disappointed when I can't do the one thing in our previous (less money conscience) life that I wish we could do. I'm fine not eating out at the fabulous Portland restaurants that we used to enjoy on a weekly basis. I'm fine staying closer to home. I'm fine not being able to buy "things".

But sometimes I just wish we had just enough to still be BNL groupies. It was so fun. And I mean smiling from ear to ear fun.

I guess I'll have to buck up, smile for all my fellow BNL groupie friends, and live vicariously through them. I can do that. So please keep telling me all the stories. I live for the next "Ed came over and..." story. If you "knew" Ed, you would too. (See me smiling from ear to ear in the picture above with my arm around Ed Robertson for reference.)

And we will be joining our beloved Ladies at least at one tour stop this spring. See you Fab Four on May 23 in our fabulous hometown, Portland, Oregon!

And to top it all off, my darling daughter loves BNL too. In fact, her one and only real life concert was a BNL show, front row, Ed side, when she was barely one. And yes, we of COURSE had commercial hearing-protecting headphones on her. Did you even have to ask?!

So the next time I hear Chayse singing along in the back seat of our Subaru to "Another Heartbreak" or "Summertime," I'll summon up my inner child, smile from ear to ear, and know that one day, just maybe, we'll all be able to go on that Ships -N- Dip cruise as rabid BNL groupies together. As a family.

It may be the BNL reunion cruise in 2035. But that's ok. We can all recapture our youth together.

Unrelentless Reality

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 21:42:00 +0000

I think I've always been a reality-tv junkie. I got my first taste of it with Real World 18 years ago.

Something about "reality" fascinates and entertains me. From Pedro's story about living HIV positive in that first season of Real World, to today's first family of Rock on Gene Simmons Family Jewels, I am hooked.

I have to say reality tv has it's ups and bottom-dwelling downs. Just turn on one of the many VH1 or MTV's shows past and present to catch the low of lows in reality tv.

But there are a few over the years that I can honestly say that have added something to my knowledge base of human nature or have made my belly hurt from laughing. I've learned something from watching reality tv. And dare I say that my quality of life at times was elevated by watching "real" tv.

I've been exposed to countries and cultures I never heard about before (Survivor and Amazing Race).

I've witnessed very hard working regular folk do critical jobs that I would never EVER conceive of trying (Dirty Jobs). In fact I learned of many jobs that I never even knew existed before. Do you want to be a Worm Dung Farmer or a Chick Sexer? Not me.

I've been inspired by one man's quest to motivate Americans to eat and cook real whole food again (Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution). Read more about Jamie's invaluable quest for whole food in America's schools and sign his very important petition to President Obama here: http://www.jamieoliver.com/campaigns/jamies-food-revolution.

The latest reality show that makes me bust a gut laughing (hence, improving the quality of my life) is Kirstie Alley's Big Life. What's funnier than watching Kirstie be her "handy man" for a day and slip and fall in a scum infested pond? Not much I tell you. Oh, other than watching Kirstie succumb to her staff's "Twittervention."

And I've fallen in love with many sea captains and crewmen who work tirelessly on crab boats off the coast of Alaska so I can enjoy one of my favorite treats, the crabcake (Deadliest Catch).

I've also witnessed heartbreak and loss by watching "real tv". And tonight will be one of those reality tv moments that honestly tugs at my heart. Capt. Phil Harris of Deadliest Catch will return to the Bering Sea set one last time. I'll be joining with all the Bering Sea fishermen in honoring Phil tonight.

Now I know I didn't "know" Capt. Phil. But this is the unique trait that reality tv affords us when done well: you are able to somehow "bond" with someone you never met.

And all of us who witnessed Capt. Phil and all the fishermen of Deadliest Catch perform amazing and death defying JOBS, will remember tonight's episode. Every day people in every day places will be able to witness the extraordinary vulnerability of human nature and remorselessness of mother nature.

So, tonight Capt. Phil, I will raise my very full glass to you. Thank you for expanding my world to the Bering Sea.

Stepping Back in Time with the Milkman

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 00:42:00 +0000

Over the last few years as a family we've headed down the organic, minimally processed and "buy local" road.

Due to a whole host of reasons, I feel that as a society we've lost our strong community values. One of those reasons is that much of what we buy wasn't made or produced locally. Not only do we often not get our own local produce in grocery stores, we get much of our produce and products from out of state or out of country.

And I don't know about you, but I'm beginning to really consider what we are putting into our bodies. Do you read labels? Why does a "whole grain" cereal have more than 10+ ingredients? Or better yet, why doesn't it have only the whole grain oats? And maybe some REAL sugar (none of that corn syrup crap).

For quite a while now (I think it began when I was pregnant about 5 years ago) I started shopping only the outside aisles of the market. Occasionally heading inward to the pasta aisle and canned tomato and beans aisle. But 85% of my shopping was done in the produce section, dairy, egg and protein sections. I stopped buying all things processed. And when I do buy processed items, such as cereal, I get the organic, 2-3 ingredient items.

I have to say doing this method of shopping has really helped us ensure that we're eating whole and healthy foods. AND we're eliminating much of the chemicals now used to processed food.

Last week we took it one step further. Yep, I now have the milkman deliver weekly.

Did you even know that we have a local dairy that delivers from Salem to Vancouver? They'll deliver weekly all types of dairy products from whole delicious and probiotic-rich yogurt, to a large variety of cheeses, to all types of milk, of course. They also have organic eggs and beef products on their order list.

AND all the milk and cream products are in the old-fashioned lovely glass bottles. You use and return the bottles each week. NO plastic to contaminate your milk. And no recycling necessary.

Even better is that the dairy is organic, all non-homogenized (but pasteurized), and made from grass-fed free-roaming cattle. The dairy touts that the humane treatment of their livestock is at the core of it's company philosophy. AND they don't use any antibiotics or hormones, and no chemical fertilizers on their land.

Check out the dairy if you're in the Portland/Salem/Vancouver area: Noris Dairy

Did you know that they way we process milk and dairy, not necessarily the dairy itself, may be contributing to hardening arteries and absorption of potentially-harmful/allergy-prone enzymes including casein. This is a widely-debated topic, but I tend to think less processing is always better. Check out some Pros and Cons yourself at ProCon.org.

So while I think "healthy" and "non-toxic" are important when deciding our food choices, these are not the only reasons I LOVE our new dairy delivery.

1. It tastes AMAZING. I've never been a huge milk drinker. Other than when I was pregnant...I couldn't get enough of it. But this milk is creamy and has a lovely sweet taste.

2. It's convenient. I leave a cooler on my stoop. Each Monday morning I leave an order form, a check, any bottles we're returning and a cool pack in the cooler. My milk man delivers our fresher than fresh products sometime during the day, usually in the mid-afternoon, and when we get home from whatever we're doing that day we check the milk box. I know that we'll always have the fresh and healthy dairy products we love to eat.

3. It's environmentally-friendly. No plastic or carton milk jugs to recycle or GASP, throw away. The milk is in glass bottles that you return to the dairy each week (or when you've used up the product in them). And the yogurt and other products are in recyclable containers.

4. It's local. Like I said before, let's try to bring back neighborhood grocers and farms. Keeping it in the community means you'll always have fresh produce and dairy. And fresh means no additives and preservatives are necessary.

We do upick all spring-fall at local farms because it doesn't get better tasting and healthier than fresh local off the vine produce. And now we're adding our local dairy to the upick list.

OH, and if you're on my block (or in my family) and you don't think you'll meet the $18 weekly minimum for delivery, I'm happy to have your order added each week to my order. Then you can just stop by my stoop each Monday afternoon for your weekly fresh dairy delivery.

Join me in shaking up your glass bottle and pour yourself a nice frothy glass of local, healthy creamy, tasty milk.

The Big C

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 06:47:00 +0000

Cancer. It sucks.

I've known old, young, middle-aged and now the 4-legged, all who succumbed to cancer. It affects all the living. And it sucks.

My poor kitty of 13 has a HUGE tumor. And it seems to have grown over night. Or at least it caused him to stop eating and drinking over night.

Leo has driven me nuts over the years. He's that cat that would meow or pull at the covers at night to get some lovin. While I was sleeping. Deep sleeping. But he was always persistent with the claws pulling at the sheets, or my face and lips, until he got what he wanted.

He's been known to shake picture frames or mirrors off the wall at 3 am until you give him attention.

Yes, he was relentless. Until recently.

Now he just slowly walks. Every step looks like a challenge. He barely licks his "treat" food of wet ground chicken or tuna. It looks awful to me, but I'm assured it's a treat to the feline persuasion.

His meows are quite mellowed compared to his usual annoying loud tone.

My gut has told me for weeks now that something was drastically wrong. But due to my fiscal challenges, and denial, I didn't bring him to our vet until yesterday.

Down 3-4 lbs from his normal hefty 13, he was looking quite trim. And being that he didn't grace our presence downstairs for what I think was at least 36 hours, I felt it was time to see what our great vet had to say.

Of course the estimate for "tests" was around $700. But we talked them down to at least half that. It seemed our vet already knew the outcome after her palpitations of his abdomen. She just wanted to make sure that yes, we were dealing with the Big C and it wasn't just kidney issues. A common "old" age issue for kitties.

Nope, it was the Big C. And Big it is indeed. I saw the X-ray. It's about the size of an apricot or so. On his left side, where his left kidney should have appeared in the X-ray.

We have four four-legged creatures in our family. And numerous fish (too many to keep track of, really.) I often affectionately refer to our "zoo".

But our four-legged friends were our first children. Before we ever thought we'd have a daughter. They were our kids for almost 10 years of married life.

Leo was our second. He is the runt turned champion.

A co-worker of mine had a stray momma cat show up on her property and give birth to a litter. She asked if we wanted a companion for Pepper (our lonely one year old kitty) and we said SURE. Of course.

We went to her home to pick out our second.

And when we saw the five or six kittens running around the living room, and witnessed the littlest one tripping over his own paws, we were sold. He was too dang cute not to bring home.

Then Pepper tried to kill him. Yep. She was not having a companion in her home.

But after a few weeks of living in our apartment, in separate rooms of course, they became fast friends.

And when we saw him leap for that first time, so fierce, so regal, he was our Leo.

I know he's "just a cat". But he's our cat. He's our menace. Our little lion. And he'll forever be one of our first kids.

Today Chayse said to me after I was telling her to leave Leo alone because he's sick, "Mommy, is Leo going to die?" My girl is a smart little four year old.

I said, "yes, Leo's going to die. He's very sick. Too sick to get better."

Chayse said, "Where will Leo go when he dies?"

"To kitty heaven," I say, of course. What else am I to say?

"But I'll miss him mommy. Can we visit him?" she says with a trembling lip and tears begging to stream down her face. Ugh. Four year olds. Love her, but really. How do I answer that?

"No, sweetie. We can't visit him. But we can visit him in our dreams."

He's not gone yet. I am no longer getting annoyed by his demands for attention. I am trying to treat him with all that yummy wet food. And I'm cherishing the times he just sits on my lap or lays on my legs.

I guess that's why life ends in death. To remind us that all the annoying things are really things to be cherished.

Passion and Productivity

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 05:55:00 +0000

Two words that I love and wish I took full advantage of daily: Passion and Productivity.

Today was a good day. I met with a client. I did my mommy duties. I had some good quality time fine-tuning some web pages. I made a lovely dinner. I enjoyed my family. I watched one of my t.v. show obsessions. Drank some wine. And read some of my favorite blogging friends.

A good day.

A productive day.

But was it a passionate day? I'm not sure. I do think it was more passionate than a lot of other days. I do love when I have really great moments with one of the loves of my life. She made me laugh hard today. Gut-wrenching hard. One of the best feelings ever.

I really enjoyed making a lot of progress on a web site that has been on hold for months now. I made a lot of improvements. I was able to weave in some creative moments into the site. And I'm so relieved my client is ready to move forward and publish it soon. Nothing is more dispassionate to me than being stagnant.

Passion can be so evasive even when we're enjoying what we're doing each and every day. And I honestly can say I don't enjoy every day. But I'm glad I have them. I'm glad I have a new canvas every day.

What am I passionate about? These days I think I'm passionate about being creative and doing something meaningful. Hence my jumping on the "I gotta reform health care for those living with T1DM" bandwagon. Definitely a passion these days. Don't get me started...

Hmm, other passions. I know I have them.

I don't know if you know, but I have been known to paint. Yes, paint on canvas. Oil painting. The last time I painted was over 5 years ago.

I got passionate about painting when I was quite distraught about not being able to conceive. It was a cathartic and relaxing past-time when I was trying to grapple with life's hardships.

I don't think it was a conscious decision to put the easel hidden away in the garage when I was pregnant, but it happened. It's hiding in the garage. Every day when I pull the car out to go on the day's errands, I see it. It almost calls to me. In fact, I think it is calling.

I'm not a "trained" or "educated" artist. But I love it. Whether anyone likes what I paint or not. I force any guests in my home to witness it, as it is placed strategically throughout my house next to many GREAT artists. I envy the oil as it blends and swirls and forms textures and shapes. The sheen of it on canvas feels rewarding.

OK, I think I'm establishing something that draws out passion in me.

Words bring out my inner-bookworm and librarian. I don't read or write as much as many. In fact I must be drawn to bookish people because many of my friends read, write, and read, read, read. Now I don't strive to write a novel or prize winning book of art, but every time I pick up a children's book I think to myself, it's time. It's time to write a book that everyone can enjoy. Literally. I know I've said this time and again. In fact, I've even remarked about it in this blog months ago. But I'm hoping in 2010 I make it happen. For the passion of it all.

So while I was quite productive today, I'm not convinced I was passionate about my production.

Maybe tomorrow I'll dust off the easel. I have Chayse's easel in the living room. Maybe I need to put mine near it. We can paint together. She with her lovely finger paints or Tempura. Me with my oils.

Or maybe I'll finally put all my childish thoughts down on paper. I literally run through stories and ideas in my head when I'm waiting at the red light on the way to Target. They're in there. Time to get the out I guess.

Passion. I guess it's not something that just happens.

Green Parenting

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 22:18:00 +0000

I'm constantly searching for new ways to be Green. Not literally green, but you know what I mean. Environmentally-friendly.

In today's world, especially as a parent, we create so much waste in materials, packaging and toxins, that I can only imagine what our world will look like in another 100 years. Disgusting and toxic.

Who is tired of not being able to recycle small plastics? I unfortunately dispose of an abundance of pill bottles and glucose test strip bottles. And what's up with not being able to throw plastic bags in the big blue container? They're garbage in Portland. Can't be recycled in our city-wide recycling program. Apparently they clog the sorters. I've run out of re-uses for them. So what can we do with them if they can't be recycled?

Or how about that guilt you felt when you threw diapers away? OK, I felt guilty, not sure how you felt.

Well, I found a new resource to help avoid the guilt and discover more choices to care for Mother earth and to better care for our own health too.

A Facebook friend, whom I only really know from a brief encounter at our children's preschool and former preschool (she and her family have left the co-op), started up a great little community building and environmentally forward organization. It's in Portland, of course. It's online and looks quite promising.

Portland Green Parenting.

If you've ever wanted to join an organic produce or grains bulk purchasing group, buy earth-friendly and health-friendly meat products, start your own urban chicken farm, or learn how to garden organically, I think this site may just help.

http://portlandgreenparenting.com/

And in addition to all the online resources, it seems that it may be a way to help you meet other moms and dads trying to make healthy life choices for their families too.

I signed up for the free 30 day trial to read and participate in the message boards and take advantage of the online resources. If I decide I can't live without the resource, I can become a member and pay an annual fee that I determine is reasonable and which I can afford. Another neat concept in today's economically-challenged world.

Hope to connect with you soon on the greener side of parenting...

TO Life

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 19:10:00 +0000

I was doing a search this morning about glucosamine and type 1 Diabetes and possible side effects, etc. Something really I should do whenever I decide to take a new supplement. I'm often shocked by how some supplements can affect T1 diabetes care.

Well, in doing my research, I stumbled onto a site called TO Life (Type 1 Life, www.t1life.com). It's a community, much life Facebook, for all types and ages of people with T1DM. It's quite a rarity to find a community or advocacy group for T1DM patients of all ages. Today's world is still quite behind in general knowledge about the differences between the two main types of diabetes and still often refers to T1DM as "Juvenille Diabetes," ignoring the thousands of us who are diagnosed well into adulthood.

In recent months, since my adult brother was diagnosed as well with T1DM, I've been searching for ways to advocate for patients such as us. I was thinking developing a community for T1DM adults may be in my future. I'm happy to say that one already exists.

It's not very active yet (only 49 members). But it's founder is passionate and I hope with some additional "spreading the word," more people like myself can find it.

If you are a person living with T1DM or if you know someone who is, pass it on...www.t1life.com/profile/HopeRed.

TO Life, indeed.

tragedy

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 07:06:00 +0000

I am saddened and full of compassion for the tragedy that has struck Haiti. The orphans, the families who are still searching for loved ones, my heart aches for them.

But I am so sick and tired of Americans claiming we have compassion when we don't even extend the same hand we do to Haiti to the homeless and orphaned children in our backyard.

Every time there is a great tragedy, it's all over the news. The hottest news anchor heads to wherever tragedy has struck. You see their heartfelt coverage of people dying and children crying.

But really, don't we have more than 49 million (of 300 million+) Americans living with hunger? And millions have been homeless at one time? I know we've personally had at least 10 men live a few days or weeks in our alley over the last 10 years.

Where's the outrage at home about the millions who don't have ANY health care? Aren't there more than 40 million Americans who are uninsured and can't afford ANY health care?

And don't we have more than half a million kids in foster care in the US?

I'm all for America having a heart. I would love to think we do have a collective one. But I'd like to see that heart make a difference at home as well as abroad.

So while I am elated when I see that FINALLY children from Haiti and the recent tragedy are being sent to the US and their awaiting adoptive families, and I am encouraged to hear of the dollars being raised to help Haiti's people, I am continually saddened by the lack of compassion toward our neighbors.

Why do we repetitively reach out that hand to the dire across the world but turn our back on those who live in our alley?

It takes so much more courage to admit we have problems at home and compassionately deal with them than to send money to those that "REALLY" have problems. America, we have problems. Let's deal with them. Don't we know we can't truly help others until we help ourselves.

Blowing Kisses

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 05:59:00 +0000

I cannot believe another year has come and gone. I know they say years just fly by faster and faster as you age. But come on! I swear I was just planting tomatoes and picking snow peas from my garden a few short weeks ago.

2009 was a year of transition. I realized my job was not one for which I was truly suited. And then I was promptly laid off due to budget cuts. My blossoming 2 year old turned 3 and decided to become an independent teenager. My favorite band lost a founding member. He didn't die, just left the band. And I was lucky enough to see his last show with the band. I reluctantly jumped into the world of social media--now I wouldn't dream of turning back. I launched my own small business and kept it barely afloat. I read significantly more in 2009 than I did in the prior years. I regained some much needed independence and girl-time with my fellow girlfriends. I guess some of "my" time is making it back into my life. With all my new found "time" (since I was newly jobless) I decided to make the most of it and take up some new "Suzie Homemaker" hobbies. I learned to can and canned and canned some more. During the summer we visited local U-Pick farms at least every other week to pick our produce. Our very excited three year old started school and loves it. We love it too (we go to a Co-op preschool). We transitioned our bank accounts from Chase (whom I despise) to OnPoint Credit Union--a rewarding symbolic change. And I am ending the year by realizing my diabetes lot in life is not only as a T1 diabetic, but as a diabetic who needs and wants to become an advocate for fellow T1 diabetics.

Other than doing some serious nail biting while trying to pay the bills with one less steady income, the year was a very fulfilling one.

What will 2010 behold? I'm hoping for less attitude-filled days (specifically from the three-turning-four year old). Maybe an even more prolific garden full of tasty veggies and less bugs. There must be an organic way to keep out the cabbage-, brussel sprout- and kale-eating bugs. I'd love to read even more books this year. And maybe even write one. Maybe a concert or two or three by my favorite band (hmmmm, BNL, of course) will be on the 2010 agenda. It'd be nice if E and I actually have a date night once a month. And I'm hoping my new business flourishes and adequately pays the bills while not sucking all my time away.

2010. WOW time flies. Kiss kiss 2009. Clink clink. Here's to starting 2010 off on a good foot!

Ignorance

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 21:42:00 +0000

What a week this has been.

Cutting to the crux of the week, my brother was admitted to the hospital on Tuesday for diabetic ketoacidosis (DK). A life-threatening complication for previously undiagnosed or uncontrolled Type 1 Diabetes.

YES, Type 1 Diabetes (T1DM for short) can have an adult onset. It's not only a childhood onset disease, a common myth. T1DM used to be called Juvenille Diabetes. A name that now is insufficient in it's description.

I was diagnosed with T1DM when I was 24. Now my brother's pancreas decides to stop producing insulin as well at age 33.

While I was mortified, distraught, angry and depressed when I was diagnosed 11 years ago, I have learned to manage the disease and not have it manage me. I live with it everyday and really it's just another part of my life. My daily routine changed somewhat, such as checking my blood glucose, counting carbs, taking insulin, and maintaining a healthy diet. But really, it's just all a part of me now.

Knowing what I know now about the disease I feel like I'm in a great place to help my brother. I hope he doesn't have to ever feel lonely like I did. And I hope he doesn't ever feel in the dark about this disease.

Unfortunately for my brother, his diagnosis experience wasn't what it should have been 11 years post my diagnosis experience.

My diagnosis experience while full of fear and pain, was informative and put me on the right track towards health.

After I finally got a blood sugar check, after weeks of being sick and losing 30 lbs in three weeks, my somewhat incompetent general practitioner admitted me into the ICU. I spent a total of 3-4 days in the ICU, while my glucose level was brought down and my potassium level was increased, and another 5-6 days in a normal hospital room, learning to care for my "new" self. I saw an endocrinologist after my ICU experience, in the hospital, and he discussed my autoimmune disease condition. I had the diagnosis of T1DM and Hashimoto's thyroiditis.

I met with a nutritionist, a diabetes educator, and was educated about carb-counting, calculating insulin boluses, and all the ins-and outs of this very scientifically studied disease. I was sent home with all my new equipment, two types of insulin for multiple daily injections, and the home phone number of my new endocrinologist. We talked daily every night that first week. I would give him my day's numbers (glucose levels and insulin doses) and he would help me adjust and fine-tune my dosing regimen. I saw him every few weeks those first few months. He really was my life-line and primary source for education.

That was 11 years ago. Diabetes management for T1DM patients has changed for the better even since then. I'm now on a pump. I've witnessed a few new types of insulin on the market that help with even better glucose control. And now we even have sensors that can help us continuously see our glucose levels in few minute increments throughout the day. Our tools and knowledge base about T1DM is significantly better today than a decade ago.

Contrast my experience, 11 years ago, with my brothers, 5 days ago, and you would think we're in 1980.

He was admitted with diabetic ketoacidosis (a condition I stated before that ONLY occurs in T1DM patients). He was never seen by an endocrinologist. In fact there isn't an endocrinologist on staff at this hospital.

He was given very minimal instruction on how to count carbs and calculate insulin doses. They only corrected his blood sugar, never proactively prevented it from doing the up and down roller coaster it will do without a proper insulin regimen.

Then once his potassium level was "stable" he was discharged without the necessary insulin required by a T1DM patient (fast acting insulin), no insulin regime, no supplies. He's discharged with paper prescriptions for one type of insulin (vital and needed to maintain a basal level of insulin, but needed in conjuction with a rapid-acting insulin for meal boluses), T2DM insulin-aiding pills (something that WILL NOT help a person who doesn't produce insulin on their own, but it is a routine prescription for T2 diabetics who have an abundance of insulin in their system), syringes, a meter, and an ignorant response from his "health provider" (a self-proclaimed expert in diabetes because she has "lots" of diabetic patients) when asked about why she was providing pills for a T1DM patient. She stated that pills are easier than injections for diabetics, and that many of her patients never had any luck with endocrinologists.

Then to top it all off, my brother demands a copy of his medical record before he is discharged, and his request is refused. He walks out without proof of the incompetent care he received.

I am livid.

This whole week I have been shaking with anger. I haven't slept much. I am shocked and appalled that any health provider today doesn't even know the very significant differences among T1 and T2 diabetes.

When my mother or brother asked the "doctor" if she knew what the American Diabetes Association is she drew a blank.

She also said she wasn't sure if he had T1DM yet. IGNORNANT.

She didn't need to order a test (of which she could have to confirm T1DM...an antibody test that shows a body has antibodies present that attack insulin producing cells, antibodies that are ONLY present in T1 diabetes patients because it's an Autoimmune disease, not a life-style inducing disease or condition). She already had a fool proof way to know that he has T1DM. He had Diabetic Ketoacidosis, a condition ONLY T1DM present. T2 Diabetics do not present with this condition.

I can rant more. Really. In fact, I don't think I'm going to stop ranting about this until I know that all health providers, particularly ER and ICU providers, know about the differences among T1 and T2 patients. If they don't know how to treat the two very different diseases, they shouldn't be treating them. They should send T1 patients to hospitals that have Endocrinologists knowledgeable in ALL diabetes diseases and other autoimmune diseases.

For years I've been content taking care of myself as best as I can. I have an amazing doctor (who herself is a T1DM patient). I try to keep up on all the latest and greatest advances in diabetes management.

I've often talked to friends of mine in the health care industry about my experience with T1DM. And I'm often told I should become an advocate or diabetes educator.

After my first years living with the new reality of what it meant to have T1DM, after wading through the anger and fear, I came to realize I didn't do this to myself and I was given this disease for a greater purpose. But I haven't really done anything with that realization until now. Other than give myself a break that is, and let go of the anger.

I know I can help my brother learn all that he needs to in a faster way than I did. I can share all the tips I've learned over the years to maintain healthy glucose. I can reassure him he's not alone in this new journey.

But I also think it's time for me to get off my knowledgeable and opinionated ass and share my passion with those who need to hear it. Health providers need to be educated. Patients need to have advocates. And the general world needs to know that T1DM is NOT the same as the very prevalent T2DM.

I am sick of Diabetes being Diabetes. Yes there are ONLY around 1 million cases of T1DM in America. Compared to the 8-12 million known cases of T2DM. And yes T1DM is MOST often diagnosed in children. But it's not a childhood disease. It's an autoimmune disease. It's a genetically-linked disease that CAN present in adulthood. There are even cases of it being diagnosed in individuals well into mid-life...even 50s and 60s.

We know what causes T2 Diabetes. Or at least we know how to prevent it for the most case. We know that obesity and excess fat cells inhibit T2DM patients from utilizing their system's insulin. They usually have an EXCESS of insulin in their system. As opposed to T1DM patients who have little or no insulin being produced in their bodies. Therefore T2DM patients can sometimes get rid of the disease and it's symptoms by losing weight, exercising and eating more healthy and balanced diets.

We cannont PREVENT T1DM nor do we have a way to cure it yet. There isn't science yet that can determine when a persons body and immune system will turn on itself and hinder insulin-producing cells from making insulin. And we don't have a way to make the body start producing insulin again. Hence T1DM is often called "insulin-dependent diabetes" for a good reason.

T1 Diabetes is an autoimmune disease like Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus, Addison's, Grave's disease, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, and roughly 100 more diseases. Some rare, and some more common that T1DM.

T1 Diabetes needs a new name.

This explanation is all very basic. Basic info all health providers should know and they don't.

SO, if you are a health provider or know one, please do your part to be educated on this life-threatening and misunderstood disease. Read more about autoimmune diseases. Learn about them. Understand how they affect individuals. Learn about how individuals are often diagnosed with more than one of these diseases.

And for the sake of T1DM patients everywhere, learn how to appropriately treat patients with the autoimmune disease called Type 1 Diabetes.

You've been forewarned. Now I'm getting off my comfortable soap-box. Now it's time to take this passion to the world. Watch out, there's a livid Type 1 Diabetic wanting to kick ass and take names!

Talking to the Wall

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 05:49:00 +0000

It seems that I talk to walls more these days.

Yes, more than normal. I am known to talk to walls, myself, my computer, and the general air around me.

But the walls I write of today are of the three year old variety.

"What did you do at school today?"

Silence.

"Will you please get dressed."

Silence.

"Please clear your plate."

Silence.

"Did you brush your teeth?"

Yep, you guessed it, Silence.

I might as well be telling my 105 year old crumbling plaster wall to brush it's teeth.

Is this just a normal three-almost-four year old exerting her independence? I swear I can plea, coax, request and threaten until the cows come home and she still will not answer my question or do what I am asking of her.

What am I doing wrong? I try very hard to be level-headed and practice "Positive Discipline" as best as I can. But some days, and more frequent than not these days, I feel like I may as well sit in an empty room and bang my head against the wall all day.

Or better yet, herding my two elderly cats around the block would be easier than getting my darling daughter to get herself dressed in the morning without a knock-down screaming match.

And I thought at one time I wanted three kids?! Ha! I can definitely say that God got this one right. Although I think he wrapped all three figurative kids into my one and only....for better and worse.

Enough griping. I so sick of hearing myself whine already.

Any new tricks of the trade? I've only been a parent for nearly 4 years now. And no matter how unique and special I think my one child is, I know she can't be any more unique than any other child.

SO, calling all you parents out there...please help me pad the wall a bit. My head is pounding.

How can I get the wall to listen and talk back? OH, and preferably drama-free.

A Good Restriction

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 23:02:00 +0000

I usually am one to limit restrictions. In all areas.

I think as adults and individuals we should take on the God given responsibility of being RESPONSIBLE. Especially when the only person feeling the consequences of your behavior is you.

I think we all can decide for ourselves if we want to abuse our own bodies. Smoke, drink, inhale, or pop pills. It's up to you.

Marry a man, a woman, a transgendered individual. I don't care. That's between you and your mate. It doesn't affect me in the least.

Why are we not allowed to travel to wherever we want? As long as we legally do so. I'd love to see Cuba. I'd love to try a Cuban.

However, I do see the necessity of some restrictions, especially when safety or fairness of all is a concern.

I'm all for speed limits, non-discrimination laws, and especially now, land usage restrictions.

Why on earth are there no land or building restrictions in Multnomah County when it comes to modular homes. Or as we are now dis affectionately calling them, "Double-wides".

Yes, in our hundred year old plus neighborhood, a double wide has taken up residence in the lot adjacent.

For almost 10 years we had the pleasure of having a green lot with a few large trees between us and our neighbor. I used to be able to look out the dining room and see an apple tree and a nice park bench. Where did the daisies go?

Well, the daisies got torn out and replaced with fake-siding and a roof.

And to top it all off, the "house" is located only about 5 feet off the sidewalk. So walking down our sidewalk you don't see our quaint 1904 home until you're right in front of it. Instead you see the facade of a double-wide.

I get that we are zoned "store-front commercial". That's a restriction that we have to abide by being in a neighborhood that has a busy street 4-5 houses from ours. But doesn't the "store front" restriction mean it's supposed to be an attractive storefront? Not a warehouse or new double wide?

I've seen many new homes go up in our neighborhood over the last 10 years. Old homes have been torn down because they weren't labeled restorative. But thankfully new homes are being built which are based on century old floor plans, just with new, renewable materials.

How can putting a double wide in our neighborhood and next to your OWN HOME improve the quality and value of this neighborhood. Our neighbors devalued their own home. Stupid.

SO, Multnomah County, please focus your attention on how you are devaluing the community. Double wides, warehouses, and ugly buildings do not improve where we live. They don't attract new families or new money to the community.

For 10 years our neighborhood was improving.

Homes were being rennovated. New homes with old floorplans were being built. Meth houses were vacated. Yards and gardens were carefully planned. Neighbors became friends. And more and more families and kids socialized outside.

Let's develop a sensible restriction. Prohibit modular "homes" from being placed in old, quaint, and improving neighborhoods. They belong in modular home parks or out in the country... not in neighborhoods that have worked for decades to improve our surroundings.

My Humanity Rant

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 18:43:00 +0000

I've been listening to and reading commentary all week about the shooting at Fort Hood. And I have to say, it's disturbing how people are quick to blame anyone and everyone for the shooter's behavior. AND how many are quick to extend his actions on to others.

Rather than look at what may have caused Hasan to do what he did, people are either focusing on a political or religious agenda or are blaming Hasan as if people are inherently evil.

I strongly believe humans are not inherently evil. Our emotions and actions are a product of our life experiences. People commit evil acts and have evil acts committed to them. I haven't been convinced that people are evil.

While yes, Hasan, voluntarily joined the armed forces, who knows why he did it. People join for all sorts of reasons. Some join out of noble sacrificial reasons. Others join to quickly pay off college debt. Others join to gain some sort of order and discipline in their lives. Some join due to vengeful motivations. Whatever the reason, yes it's voluntary. But I can only imagine that service men and woman can't anticipate all that they will experience. And they can't anticipate how they will handle not having complete control over every aspect of their life.

Knowing myself today, I know I couldn't handle being told where to go, what to do and who to do it with. Especially if it involved a war.

But I know others may not know that about themselves until they are thrust into it. And yet others handle it just fine.

And religion....oh, religion. While religion does dictate much of how people live their lives, it is not a blanket prescription for action. However, I do think religion can be the factor that drives people over that line. It gives us rational thought for irrational behavior.

However, extending one person's religion-motivated or non-religion-motivated actions to the religion itself is how we start religious wars. On all levels we need to stop this "I'm persecuted by BLANK" verbiage and retaliation--inter personally, religiously, and politically. Otherwise the tragic events of the crusades will once again become a reality in a global way.

So while what Hasan did is UNFORGIVABLE and tragic, I think we need to focus more on what led up to his apparent breakdown and irrational behavior.

It's sounds like his record and behavior was questioned before. He is a mental health professional. He listens and helps many individuals who were sent to war time and time again who witnessed disturbing products of war. How can he not be affected by what he hears and witnesses? Whatever his state of mind and whatever he bared witness to, his actions are unconscionable.

But what flips that switch in an otherwise rational and educated man? What drove him to it? How could he have been helped? How can we help others who may flip such as he did?

Let's start talking systems rather than blame. Let's set up safety nets. Let's put humanity back into the often tragic world of war.

And for the love of God, Allah, Buddha, YOUR BLANK GOD here, stop using your religion to feel persecuted or persecute others.

Religious freedom is just that... freedom from all religion (mine and yours) in the public realm. Whether Jew, Muslim, Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, YOUR RELIGIOUS TITLE HERE, we're all humans first.

Waves O' Crashing

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:35:00 +0000

Only one more sleep. One more sleep until I get to escape for a few days with my girls.

I love my life. LOVE it. I love my husband and I love my daughter more than life itself.

But I need a few days to myself every so often. I need to escape my life and just enjoy myself and my friends. No demands. No needs. No stretching myself in every direction. That's normal, right?

A few times a year, we girls get to escape to heaven itself. Leave our titles and demands behind and gather to enjoy who we are as people, as women.

A bed all to myself. Otherwise guilty libations. Laughter. LOTS of laughter. Long walks on heaven's beach (the Oregon Coast of course). My favorite part is the early rise, walk to the cafe, and sipping my coffee on the beach, ALONE.

A bed all to myself. Yes, that's worth the second mention.

But truly, don't we all need a little escape from reality and responsibilities every so often? I think it's how we re-energize so we can be the best mommy, wife, daughter and employee/designer we can be.

Well, tomorrow I go to "heaven" on earth. Come 6 pm I will be hitting the road with just my pack and a bag of bottles and sweets. Oh, and I'll pick up some food when I get there.

I can feel the sore tummy from laughing now.

Flipping questions and sewing...Real Life

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 04:05:00 +0000

Jeff and Ryan....my God. If only you knew what your craziness is doing for others. Namely myself. You could just put it all behind you and move on with your happy, full of love, lives.

SO, after watching tonight's Flipping Out, after getting my mind blown, I calmly and lovingly rocked my baby to bed.

There are no ulterior motives Jeff AND Ryan. Just needs. Jeff needs to know he's loved by his dearest and oldest friend. Ryan needs to know his oldest and dearest friend loves him. COME ON! Neither one of you wanted to slander or take advantage of each other. This is what happens when real life gets put on the very UNREAL t.v. I feel so sorry for you and your loved ones. Flipping Out and the very unreal virtual world flipped your world upside down. All I can say is try and find your Real World. You know what is real. Now find it. Again.

Now, what did tonight show do for me? It reminded me of what is real. We all work to make money to put food on the table to breathe and live another moment with our loved ones.

What keeps us living is our love. Our love for the ones around us.

Rocking my baby to sleep. Answering her very surreal question of "how do mommy's get babies?" Writing these very words. And now putting the computer away so I can sew her daddy's and my costumes for Halloween. That is real life.

Working 9 to 5

noreply@blogger.com (Hope) — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 06:01:00 +0000

It seems that when it rains it DOES pour. But pouring is good in my book these days.

Just when I was getting worried that I didn't know when the next project was coming, I got three jobs placed in my lap. Whew.

No, I'm not really "working 9 t0 5" but I am working. And it's a great thing that Eric has a few days off this week and next. Maybe I'll actually get work done during the daylight hours.

Thank God for past bosses and co-workers who know me and know what I can do for them. Rekindling old co-worker relationships is amazingly rewarding AND fruitful. Now I know why people always say, "don't burn your bridges."

SO, I guess today I'm just thankful that work seems to keep coming my way. And it's interesting work. What else can I ask for?